Yellow lines have been in place for just over a week now on Kings Hill, on one of the main roads named Tower View. These are in addition to the Cycle Lane markings which were already present.
Many residents were outraged at the recent addition of yellowage placed upon the kerbstones AND roadside along Tower View earlier this month claiming "It looks horrendous" and "Terrible" stated some homeowners.
We spoke to leading Highways Planner within the council, Mr Iva Hadanuff, who said "Quite frankly, if residents were not able to ascertain that a cycle lane was not to be parked on, then a simple single or double yellow line would not be enough." claimed Hadanuff.
"We stress tested the scenario with some highly complex and fascinating algorithms, to determine what the likely outcome would be if we implemented the following measures amongst the infrastructure of Kings Hill" said Hadanuff.
Placed sharp spikes on the Roadside (The result showed that cyclists would possible perish by injury and bleeding to death before an ambulance could get to them via the Kings Hill Roadside traffic. We decided against this)
Painted a Single Yellow Line (Our results showed that residents still, would not give a fuck and would continue parking there)
Painted a Double Yellow Line (Our results showed that residents still, would not give a fuck and would continue parking there)
Painted a Kerbstone Double Yellow Line (Our results showed that residents still, would not give a fuck and would continue parking there)
Painted a Kerbstone Double Yellow Line AND a Double Yellow Roadside Line (It was only then, when our analysis system gave results that the bright overkill of yellow would finally be taken notice of and perhaps, a small chance of non-parking would occur.)
"The algorithm is quite spectacular as this was backed up with a Liberty Square survey which pretty much proved the outcome was correct. We therefore went with what we call in the office here as Pie & Mash. 'Double Double'." said Hadanuff.
Whilst Iva Hadanuff didn't confirm this, we have heard that other roads are being analysed under the stress test as we speak including Beacon Avenue, Discovery Drive, Melrose Avenue, Milton Lane and Regent Way.
Some say, residents have finally caught on and have learnt from the 'Pie & Mash' on Tower View that they will begin to start using their rear parking spaces or even so far as car ports and garages. Some residents have claimed they don't want 'double double' on their road and will tackle it hard with prevention mechanisms.
"I'm not having that. I'm going to stop parking like a twat right near the central Island making it easier for cars to drive" said Mr Fuchwit.
Time will tell, as to whether the folk over at Kings Hill are clever enough to get the council's hints, and make changes to their parking habits in time - but we're not so confident in that here at the news desk! Mwaaaah hahahaha!!! MWaahhhh hahaha!!! (Sinister/Evil/Sarcastic Laugh).
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